Year: 2009

I’ve been thinking about acting lately. And I do mean acting, not theatre – if you know me, that distinction matters. And there’s a couple of reasons why it’s suddenly in my thoughts again…

A long time ago I acted – I sort of blogged about it, last year. And I loved it. Passionately! At the time I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. So I moved to LA, like all good little actresses do. And then like so many before me, I got overwhelmed with the whole earning a living thing, so I decided to move back to San Diego and study photography, so that I could learn to shoot actors headshots. It seemed like the perfect way to earn money in Los Angeles – much better than being a waitress! I fully intended to move back to LA and get back to acting, but a funny thing happened, I fell in love with photography. I especially grew to love fine art photography. So I kept waitressing, and went to school and spent long hours in the darkroom. I didn’t ever say, “I’m done with acting!” – it just sort of happened. Over time I stopped being an actor, and became a photographer.

So cut to today, and I’m planning to move back to LA in the next few months – my photography is pulling me there. It’s just the natural progression for my career and where I want to go as an artist. I’m really excited about the things I’ve got planned for later this year – it’s going to be amazing!

But somewhere in the swirl of all the excitement and planning, this weird little niggling desire has been rearing up lately. For some reason, moving to LA is still connected in my head to pursuing acting. Why? It’s been well over a decade since I was in that world? And the weird part is that I spent a decade doing musical theatre onstage, and less than a year pursuing TV and film, but theater isn’t tempting to me at all. That’s my past, and while the past was great, I’ve moved on. The niggling in my head is for TV and film. Why?

So all this was swirling in my head this morning – the weird niggling desire, the “Why?”, the “that’s not practical”, and the “why the hell not, if I want it.” Part of me is really enjoying the fact that something I’ve forgotten for so many years, has just suddenly popped up again. It’s proof to me that who we are is set fairly early. We may evolve and grow and find new things to love, but the part of me that was attracted to acting in the first place, still exists! I haven’t changed all that much.

So I let myself think a little further down the path, *if* I was to pursue it, and it occurred to me that I’m not very cast-able right now. I don’t look like the people on TV. I’m not a recognizable character. I don’t look like a smart businesswoman, or a loving mom, or a policewoman, or a librarian/teacher, or any of the other recognizable character types. I really am just me. And then it hit me! I never was any of those types. Even at 20 I was unique – I just didn’t see it at the time. I was always taught that a “good” actor loses him or herself in the role, and “good” actors can play lots of different kinds of roles, equally well. I still do believe that – for some actors – but for myself? Maybe not. There were only two instances where I was cast against type, and both times it was a difficult process for me to find myself in the role – and I did it – I was successful both times! But it took a lot of work.

If I’m honest, I was always much better when I played a version of myself. Aack! I mean what a horrible thing for any actor or even ex-actor to admit about themselves! But… I’m okay with it. And I think that *if* I was to pursue acting again, I would embrace that fact and not try to be a “good” actor who can play anything, and instead focus on my uniqueness and just play variations of myself.

Which brings me back to photography! I am sooooo okay with the fact that I can’t do everything. I revel in that fact! I’m very specialized, and I love it! I shoot hot rock stars, beautiful portraits, fine art, photojournalistic/documentary stories, and happy, shiny, scenic places. It’s a weird combination, but the way I do it is uniquely me. If you look at my work long enough, you see the continuity. Everything I shoot is distinctly me. I don’t shoot family portraits, I don’t shoot sports, I don’t shoot babies, I don’t shoot architecture, and the list goes on. Very few people can do everything well, and I’m definitely not one of them. But, what I do, I do well. I specialize and I’m unique, and I’m proud of it!

And here’s the big thought of the day! I firmly believe that true success is only possible if you embrace what makes you uniquely you.

I kind of doubt I’ll ever pursue acting again, as much as I loved it, the fact is I love photography more, and my passion is leading me… But you never know! And I have to admit that I love that a past love has entered my consciousness again. I didn’t miss acting, but I’m happy to have it back in my thoughts again. And if I’m embracing what makes me uniquely me, then maybe I’ll find a way to incorporate it into my current life. Like maybe I’ll shoot headshots for actors once I get to LA? It was the plan once upon a time, and maybe it will be again?

I’ve been thinking a lot about specialization lately – it’s part of the natural evolution of an artist, so it’s not that unusual to think at length about it – but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still a bit scary.

There’s a new book out – which I haven’t read, but I did read the reviews! Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell outlines why some people are lucky enough to live “remarkably productive and impactful lives, while so many more never reach their potential.” And he puts forth the premise that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to reach mastery of your field. Back when I was an actor I heard it took ten years, when I started studying photography I also heard ten years. Of course, everyone thinks they’ll do it faster and better, and sometimes you think you really are ahead of that curve – but now that I’m in my 13th year as a photographer, I can look back and agree that yeah, it really did take me about 10 years. I produced some amazing images in my first year – natural talent does have something to do with it! But after ten years, it was just different. Better. I’d never thought about the number of hours – but 10,000 sounds about right. That averages out to about 20 hours a week for 10 years – and that’s hours of “practice” which means hours where you were pushing yourself in some way. If you spend 20 hours doing the same thing every week you’ll get very good at that one thing!

Last week I went to a big Studio Opening in LA, and specialization kept coming up as I talked to other photographers. To be remarkable, you really do have to narrow your focus – it’s impossible to be everything to all people. And it happens naturally as you progress in your career. Certain projects elicit great passion, and others not so much, so it’s only natural to follow your bliss – right?

But what if your passion is leading you into areas that are less than profitable? And you see your peers scooping up money in buckets all around you – and the only difference is that their passion leads them into more profitable arenas? What then? Do you follow the lead of your friends and try to feel the love for something new? Or do you forge ahead on your own path, knowing that the only real success comes from passion. Think about it – if you’re like most people all your great successes in life came in areas where you felt great passion, and that passion fueled your drive, and led directly to success. It’s the natural way…

So why then do we balk at following our own path? I don’t know. I just know that at times specialization comes easy for me – I strip away anything in my life that doesn’t excite me and move me. And other times, I agonize over the next step and find it hard to take any action at all. Right now I’m in a stage of big growth – and I’m stripping away some things that no longer work for me with great glee, and holding onto other things out of fear – and it’s not over yet! After all these years I’m still narrowing my focus as an artist, and it’s scary and amazing all at the same time.

Specialization, passion, and evolution as an artist… Overthinking it can make you crazy, but sometimes a little overthinking feels good, if it helps you get back on your OWN path. You know that path? The one where your passion leads you!